Tag: breast cancer

My Cancerversary

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November 17th. Diagnosis day. A date I will never forget.

I have so many emotions. The last few weeks I have mentally relived each step…mammogram…ultrasound…biopsy…results…breast cancer

I remember how I felt – the unease about my future made it so hard to focus and I felt physically Ill with little appetite. (I do miss being a little skinnier) haha

There are so many parallels from last year and this year…

At the time, our middle daughter, Emily, was in PT for an ankle injury. Interestingly enough, she just sprained her ankle (again) and we are back in PT. I remember being in that same parking lot, at this time last year, telling my sister in law my mammogram showed a concern. And now, here we are a year later, back in the same spot, cancer free.

Last year, the kids and I took a trip to Tennessee for Emily’s softball tournament while my husband was gone on his hunting trip. This took place after my mammogram, but before the biopsy. I was a nervous wreck but I had to put on a brave face because we had not said anything to the kids yet. I had so much worry and anxiety.

This year, Emily’s softball team went to the same Tennessee tournament, while my husband was gone on his hunting trip… deja vu. I felt an underlying anxious feeling the whole time. It was like eerily reliving the emotions I had felt last year.

It feels surreal, almost like it didn’t happen. Yet it also feels like it was just yesterday. It’s hard to explain.

I’ve learned a lot in the last year. I’ve re-prioritized a little. I don’t sweat the small stuff nearly as much as I used to. After radiation, I went to panic mode about recurrence and mentally had a very rough March/April/May. Now the worry of recurrence is fading. I have my freak out days, but most of the time I can put it to the back of my mind.

I have sadly slipped back into some old pre-cancer habits and routines. I spend a little less time in prayer. I don’t journal as much. I guess I feel a little less desperate, which has lead me a little farther from God. I miss the closeness I experienced during that time. I am thankful for the awesome people God put in my life. I have an amazing support system and a whole shelf full of get well cards and letters I will probably never throw away.

I am happy to put this experience in the rear view, learn from it, and move on to my new normal. I will be celebrating this day by having dinner with my husband and kids (yay! No cooking) I’m so thankful to be here.

I am a one year survivor!

100 days on the roller coaster

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100 days on the roller coaster of breast cancer. It’s been quite the ride.

During these 100 days…

…I’ve had (in no particular order) 4 mammograms, 3 ultrasounds, 2 surgeries, 1 biopsy, 1 MRI, and a partridge in a pear tree. I’m probably forgetting something, and this doesn’t count the multiple doctor appointments. End results = Stage 0 DCIS grade II and Stage 1 invasive lobular carcinoma. AKA 2 kinds of freaking breast cancer.

During these 100 days…

…I’ve had a range of emotions: shock, anger, confusion, sadness, hope, hopelessness, confidence, paranoia, panic, joy, depression, self-pity, anxiety, and happiness. I’ve cried happy and sad tears. I’ve yelled. I’ve just said “please Lord” because I couldn’t say anything else. I’ve said “what the F%@k” multiple times. I’ve lived what felt like groundhogs day more days than one. These may seem like conflicting emotions and reactions, but that’s how it is when you’re on the ride.

During these 100 days…

…I’ve had dozens and dozens and dozens of people reach out via text, phone call, and email. I’ve had multiple people send gifts, flowers, food, and cards. I’ve had donations to cancer research made in my honor. I’ve had meals dropped off, including homemade chicken noodle soup with HOMEMADE NOODLES from my house cleaner (who long ago turned into an AMAZING friend) oh and this was the same week her son was having surgery.

During these 100 days…

…I’ve had people tell me they are praying for me. I’ve had people stop me in the store to tell me they are praying for me EVERY day. I have strangers praying for me. I’ve had my most long-standing friend (since the 2nd grade) LITERALLY check on me EVERY DAY. She has seriously NOT missed a single day and always has the right thing to say or just sit and listen or give me a hug. Thanks is not enough. My kids are getting along better, and my husband is picking up the slack, despite having shoulder surgery less than 2 weeks ago.

During these 100 days…

…I’ve had moments/days/weeks where the awful cancer “noise” is so loud. In those moments, it drowns out all reasonable thoughts. Other times, I’ve managed to make it background music and actually enjoy some other “noise” for a while.

During these 100 days…

…I’ve met other people also dealing with breast cancer, some worse off than me. I’ve thanked God I don’t need chemo, and we’re done having kids. I’ve thanked God for my doctors and my hospital as they have been great to work with and kept things moving along so quickly. I’ve thanked God for my church. We might be small, but we are mighty, and everyone has been amazing. (PS open invite to come join us 10am on Sundays Federated Church of Grass Lake) I’ve thanked God for my amazing friends, family, and the strength and courage He has given me.

Day 100…

…I think we can confidently say I am CANCER FREE. Now comes the fun part – staying that way! Radiation starts tomorrow, then the ever so lovely hormone therapy that sounds like menopause 1.0. This is extra fun since I’ll get to go through real menopause once this is done! (Pray for my family!!!)

I’ve learned a lot and grown a lot. I’ve survived all these tests, visits, and ups and downs…along with the stomach flu which hit the whole family starting on Christmas day, one kid with Covid, work stress, supporting 3 kids in 4 different sports simultaneously, and raising 2 teenagers and a spoiled little 9 year old angel. Oh yeah, did I mention this is during a pandemic??

So there is your day 100 update. Paper and pen are my therapy, so this is the best way for me to communicate. I am hoping the update on day 365 and day 900 and day 1500 and day 4000 and day 9000 will be the same – Cancer free!! Thanks for your support!

God answered my prayer with breast cancer

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October 31st, 2021 I stood in my kitchen, prepping food and listening to music, and feeling a little sorry for myself. I just felt stunted….like I had spiritually outgrown my circle at that moment in time. I don’t say that to sound conceited in any way. It came from a place of a desire to grow deeper.

As I was thinking about this, I thought back on times in my life when things were tough. Really tough. But those were also the times my faith grew deeper. I prayed God would put the people and situations I needed in my life so I could grow deeper.

Then I panicked.

This is a scary prayer, because it often feels like an invite for rocky roads and troubled times. But I thought “bring it.”

Little did I know, God would “bring it” very quickly and in an unexpected way. The next day I went in for my routine mammogram with very little stress and worry. I had one the year before. It was not terrible like I expected (maybe it’s because I’ve had 3 kids and my boobs are, well, sad and deflated) My results from last year were normal and I expected this year to be the same.

2 hours after my appointment, I got the call.

There is a spot the doctors want to take a closer look at and they had already scheduled an appointment for November 10th for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. That felt like 100 years away, but in our pandemic world, 9 days is record time.

Not the best timing, as my husband was gone on his annual hunting trip and of course, our son got sick and developed strep throat that week as well.

So I had to tell some friends and family because I needed help, or else I would have to delay my tests.

The radiologist showed me the images and I had a pit in my stomach. It looked a lot like the cancerous stuff I’d seen on online during my weak moments of googling. 2 days later I had a biopsy.

Around this time, I was winding down on my daily Bible reading plan. This was my 2nd trip through the Bible. Looking ahead, I was set to finish my annual plan on Wednesday, November 17th. I had fallen about 3 weeks behind schedule throughout the year, but I think on God’s clock I was right on time. I just knew that would be the day I got my results…and it would be. MALIGNANT. How could this be?

The next week was an absolute roller coaster of emotions and feelings. I was able to meet with a surgeon very quickly and that helped.

It is no coincidence that I finished reading the Bible the day of my results. It is no coincidence I prayed to go deeper, then God led me to a valley.

I told God-there must be a purpose for this. I don’t know what it is but I don’t think I can go wrong by hoping people see God through me in all of this. I’m not sure how much that has happened, but I have definitely seen God in everyone around me. The calls, texts, cards, FB messages, flowers, food, gifts, and prayers… It has been unbelievable.

I immediately vowed to keep a positive attitude because I know it will impact this experience 100%. Some days that feels like a full time job. Other days it feels like this is almost too easy.

There is a lot of uncertainty right now, but one thing is 100% certain. If I had not read through the Bible twice and had a habit of daily quiet time with God, this would have WRECKED me wwwaaaaayyyyyyy worse. I have had hard days, where worry and doubt try to take hold, but I can eventually shake it off with God’s help. I told a friend, at times my cancer diagnosis feels like a blaring song on repeat so loud in my head that I can’t hear anything else. Other days, it feels like background music. It’s there but I can almost forget about it. I do not think I would have “background music” days without God.

I am sharing this story for a few reasons.

1) I like to write- I find it very therapeutic, even if I don’t share it with anyone. Journaling is a very freeing exercise! But then I think about Matthew 5:15..

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”
Matthew 5:14‭-‬16 ESV

My story could help someone else, but only if I share it.

2) Get your damn mammograms. I can’t believe how many people said “I’m so overdue” when I told them about the findings on my routine mammogram. Please, get yours mammograms…on time… every year!

3) Having a relationship with God is foundational for making it through tough times. At first, I thought about people way worse off than me – people with:

*No family or friends to support support or help

*No health insurance

*Without flexible jobs so they can take that first available appointment

*People without a savings account for rainy days like this

I am fortunate that I don’t have to battle those things I just listed, I ONLY have to battle cancer, which feels like enough. Many others are fighting multiple battles in addition to the C word. But without God…scary words…without God this would feel impossible to me.

So, moral of the story, spend time with God. If you don’t have a daily practice, start small. Mine started out small and has grown into more. Thanks for the prayers!